People think I’m fake. I do things the way I do it. I don’t know how to be anything else but they think that I am fake. It’s the way I am. It’s not fake to me. It hurts me when they say that. Should I change for other people? To make my personality more agreeable to them? But that’s just lying to myself. I’m confused.
There are times when I think that my room is too small for my thoughts.
There are times when the world suffocates me.
The world has set a standard for all of us and sometimes I think the only escape from this world of expectations is death. I keep on thinking of escaping the burden of doing what people expect of you. Sometimes, I wish that my screw ups will be enough for people to stop believing in me. I’m lying bed thinking of what death feels like. Is it nothingness? Will there be gates of heaven or hell waiting for me? I think death is painful, especially when it’s a slow one. That little time of knowing that you are leaving behind the things and people that are important to you with no choice. Will my life flash before my very eyes? Will it be very fast or is it it in slow motion?
Last week a girl from my high school killed herself. Suicide, a strong word. A big taboo. She didn’t leave any suicide note and now everyone’s pointing fingers who is to blame for her untimely demise. They keep on talking about academic pressure being the main culprit but it wasn’t only yesterday that the real reason came out, breast cancer. A girl of 15 WAS suffering from breast cancer for two years and nobody knew except her parents. Breast cancer stage 2. She went to school everyday like it wasn’t taking a toll on her body. She killed herself to relieve her parents from the financial burden that they will have to shoulder due to her treatments.
The way she chose to die was painful though. It really was. She placed a towel inside her mouth and wrapped her head tightly with a plastic bag. She died of suffocation. The suffering she must have felt a few minutes before she had died. The human instinct of wanting to breath. The human instinct of wanting to survive. Gone.
I wish I took the time to know her, really know her. I guess that’s what most people thought about after someone dies, regrets. Regret of having not done enough. I wish she would’ve said something or maybe the people around her should’ve noticed.
Where do I start?
This 2013, I learned a lot. I learned that I still get to live a year more than the Mayan calendar said so. I learned that you can’t really tell which friends are good with the years that you’ve known each other. And last but not the least, you shouldn’t rush love.
This year, I transferred to a new school, met new friends and ended some old friendships. It was a whirlwind. One thing that I learned this year (emphasis on the learned), is that I easily judge people. I’m trying not to but my subconscious tells me, “Judge Clau. Judge the hell out of that person.” I guess I should include that in my brand-spanking-New Year’s resolution. No more judging for me (Pfft, like I could do that.)
I’ve had a lot of FLIRTationships this year. Yep, I’m a flirt. Now, I’m admitting it out in the open. I need to stop being a flirt though to keep myself out of trouble. I’ve never really got into trouble with it but as they all say prevention is better than cure. And add the fact that I think I’m gay (emphasis on the think). Well, I’m still on my way to self-discovery.
I don’t really know what’s in store for me this new year but I hope it wouldn’t be as dramatic as 2013. Yes 2013, I shed a million of tears for you. I just want a drama-free 2014 for me. And world peace. 🙂
So, it’s officially christmas here in the Philippines. I received a lot of Aguinaldo or Christmas money this year. Ergo, this year’s Christmas is a good one. My parents are still working though. They can’t be with us tonight cause a holiday means double pay. Sad. Anyway, Merry Christmas from the Philippines!
I think I won’t have friends starting tomorrow. I think everyone hates me. God I’m so pathetic.
My “yaya” just arrived from Leyte, one of the most damaged province during the typhoon Haiyan. She cried so hard when she got into the gates of our house. She travelled for three days trying to reach Cebu. Her house was ruined and no relief operations are reaching her place. Her children and her husband are left in Leyte due to the lack of funds to travel to Cebu.
I could not fathom how our government is turning a blind eye on what is happening in the country. It scares me how indifferent they are of what is happening in the damaged provinces. This is a serious issue and yet all they are broadcasting on TV is how the President is giving early Christmas bonus to every government employee. It just pisses the hell out of me.
Before all of this, I do not believe that even the most cold-hearted politician would ignore this big of a devastation. But then again, I live in the Philippines. Everything just surprises you, the bad kind of surprise.
Some people are telling me to stop criticizing the President cause he’s just human and he cannot do everything. Well, the Americans, Israelis, Canadians, Japanese and so many others including the thousands of Filipino volunteers are humans too and they are doing a lot better than he is. In fact, he is not doing anything at all. I have no problem whatsoever with what he does on his free time as long as he does his job. His inefficiency is causing additional casualities. Indirectly, he is murdering our own countrymen by not taking action.
It’s sad cause some people were dead not because of the typhoon but because of the hunger that we could’ve easily solved. I just want to say is that; the guilt lies on the people who has everything to do something but at the end does nothing.