Last week a girl from my high school killed herself. Suicide, a strong word. A big taboo. She didn’t leave any suicide note and now everyone’s pointing fingers who is to blame for her untimely demise. They keep on talking about academic pressure being the main culprit but it wasn’t only yesterday that the real reason came out, breast cancer. A girl of 15 WAS suffering from breast cancer for two years and nobody knew except her parents. Breast cancer stage 2. She went to school everyday like it wasn’t taking a toll on her body. She killed herself to relieve her parents from the financial burden that they will have to shoulder due to her treatments.
The way she chose to die was painful though. It really was. She placed a towel inside her mouth and wrapped her head tightly with a plastic bag. She died of suffocation. The suffering she must have felt a few minutes before she had died. The human instinct of wanting to breath. The human instinct of wanting to survive. Gone.
I wish I took the time to know her, really know her. I guess that’s what most people thought about after someone dies, regrets. Regret of having not done enough. I wish she would’ve said something or maybe the people around her should’ve noticed.
I was raised in a Catholic household and in a country which is predominantly Catholic. I’m an atheist now though. But growing up, I always have these questions regarding my parents’ religion and here they are:
1. For a religion that says to promote equality, why is priesthood an all gentlemen’s club?
2. I don’t understand the concept of confession. Why do prayers need a connecting flight to get to God?
3. Why do Catholics go to church every Sunday to ask for forgiveness for the same sins that they did ever Monday to Saturday? Isn’t it useless?
4. The concept of sins just blows my mind. I don’t get it. So, basically you get to do all these bad stuff, like rape and murder, but if you still accept Jesus as your lord and savior, you’re going to heaven? How fucked up is that?
5. Most importantly; why are most of you so self-righteous?
P.S. Don’t think I’m singling Catholicism because I hate it. I just asked this questions to Catholics specifically because I was raised one.
You will always grow out of things. You also grow out of people. Sometimes, they grow out of you. You leave them behind or you tag them along or it could be the other way around. You either cry or laugh when you grow out of them or when they get tired of you. But the best part is the people and things that stay with you at the end. That’s when you’ll know that all the laughter and tears are all worth it.
Subconsciously, there is a desire in every person to be hurt. We watch Korean movies because we crave that heart-wrenching moment when the tears start falling. We listen to these sad songs because oddly enough, they give us a sense of peace. This is because only in hurting do we know that we still feel, that we still love. Only in hurting do we know that we’re still human.
My atheism is not me. It’s only a part of me. My atheism doesn’t make me a bad person. My atheism makes me understand the world more. Knowing that the good things that I have done, I do for myself and not for some god makes me feel better. That I have made the right choice. That it is all me. Nobody told me what to do. It feels good to own up to your choices, be it bad or good. That the results or consequences is your fault, your own doing, and not some god’s plan.